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5 Relationship
Killers and How to Avoid Them
Margaret Paul, Ph. D.
As a relationship
counselor, I am constantly being asked why so many relationships fail.
In the 37 years that I have worked with couples, I have discovered five
major relationship killers:
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this
fear motivates various forms of controlling behavior. Controlling
behavior falls into two major categories – overt control and covert
control.
Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger,
rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule.
Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending,
explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack
will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have
control over not being attacked.
Controlling behavior always results in resentment and emotional
distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.
RESISTANCE
Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and
controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their
partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance –
withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and
procrastination.
When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is
really an attempt to have control over not being controlled - the
relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system
feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.
NEEDINESS
Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s
job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them
feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take
responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own
self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with
the love they need.
SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS
Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process
addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain
of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food,
spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs,
work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used
as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy,
rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your
partner.
EYES ON PARTNER'S PLATE
Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is
causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are
doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance
or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You
might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of
your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive
behavior, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes
are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe
that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.
RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS
All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of
rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these
fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways.
The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full
responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond
controlling, needy and addictive behavior only when you learn how to
fill your self with love and define your own inner worth. When you are
willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes
fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary
to heal yourself and your relationship.
A good place to start is to download our free Inner Bonding course and
begin to practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. The daily practice of
these steps will move you out of your addictive and controlling behavior
and into the personal responsibility necessary to heal your
relationship.
Article Source:
www.articledashboard.com
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight
books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and
“Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner
Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site
for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
www.innerbonding.com or email her at
margaret@innerbonding.com.
Phone sessions available.
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