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4 Steps to Teaching Your Family to
Treat You Better
Dr. Tony Fiore
Case #1- Elizabeth, a 40
year old homemaker was always feeling angry and “used” by her family,
constantly saying that everybody took advantage of her. She felt that
she worked like a slave but her family showed no appreciation or
acknowledgement of her many efforts.
Case #2- Bill, a 34 year old husband complained that his critical wife
was always angry at him. He spent his life trying to cope with her
outrages which often escalated him into defensive anger which didn’t
happen anywhere but in this relationship.
Case #3- Betty, a 42 year separated mother struggled with her soon to be
ex-husband's contempt and disrespect every time she angrily called him
to discuss details of their divorce.
These three cases bring up
the question often asked by participants in our anger management
classes: Is it possible to control how family members treat us? The
short answer is “no” but often we can teach them to treat us better!
Believe it or not, we are constantly teaching our family how to treat us
both by our responses to their behavior, and by the behavior we display
to them which they react to.
In our case examples:
- By automatically doing whatever her husband and children requested,
Elizabeth was “teaching” them that there are almost no limits to what
she would do for them.
- With his behavior, Bill was actually teaching his wife that the way to
get attention from him (even if it was negative attention) was for her
to create drama.
- Betty was so intimidated by her husband, that her defensive “attitude”
was “teaching” him that to deal with her, he had to push back with the
contempt and disrespect that he constantly showed her.
The dance of anger
Our interchange with family members is often like a carefully
choreographed dance. They make a move. You make a move in response to
their move. They then respond to what you said or did and …well, you get
the idea!
How do you change the dance? Start by seeing yourself as a teacher of
how you would like your family to treat you.
Four ways to change what you teach others
1. Try a softer start-up. Marital research shows that the first few
seconds of an interaction can predict the final outcome of the
encounter. Try being softer, more polite, more respectful, less hostile,
or more empathetic and see how this change in your approach actually
teaches others to respond better to you.
2. Take a time-out before dealing with the conflict or situation.
Conflicting or arguing family members often work themselves up to a
point at which problem solving is impossible.
The solution is to retreat and give yourself time to calm down and think
things over. This takes at least 20 minutes, often much longer. Before
taking your time out, it is important to tell the other person that you
will commit to returning soon to deal with the conflict, after you are
calmer then be sure to do it!
3. Acknowledge that you see how they must be seeing the situation.
Called “empathy,” this response on your part teaches others that you
care about their feelings and viewpoints, and opinions.
Acknowledgement doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with their
viewpoint only that you see it. Sometimes, your family needs to know
that you care about them and respect their opinions before they listen
to what you say.
4. Set limits and boundaries for your family members. Limits and
boundaries are basically rules regarding acceptable behaviors toward you
as well as what you are willing or not willing to do.
If you feel others are taking advantage of you, ask yourself what you
may be doing ( or not doing )to give the message it is “ok” for them to
do whatever they are doing. Often you can change their behavior toward
you by teaching them different rules of being with you. The easiest way
to do this is simply to respond differently yourself. For instance, they
make you the core of a nasty joke. Being a nice person, you pretend it
doesn’t bother you (even though it does), so you laugh with everybody
else. As an alternative, try not laughing with them, which is a way of
teaching them that they have crossed a boundary with you.
2005 © Dr. Tony
Fiore All rights reserved.
About the Author
Dr. Tony Fiore (www.angercoach.com)
is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer.
His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management
programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the
workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger
Bee" at
www.angercoach.com
Source:
ArticleTrader.com
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