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What is Abuse?
Sam Vaknin
Abusers exploit,
lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and
control.
There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is
tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an
instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect
privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humor, or
consistently tactless – is to abuse.
To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore – are all modes of abuse.
There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual
abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are
"stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to
witness the abuse.
There are three important categories of abuse:
Overt Abuse
The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing,
beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating,
exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously
discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms
of overt abuse.
Covert or Controlling Abuse
Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and
immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in
his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's
identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment –
human and physical.
The bulk of abusive behaviors can be traced to this panicky reaction to
the remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are
hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because they are afraid to lose
control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are
obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and
render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of
"being in touch" – another form of control.
To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are
extensions, internal, assimilated, objects – not external ones. Thus,
losing control over a significant other – is equivalent to losing
control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying.
Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization
that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of
the world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are
internal representations.
To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people
are mere elements in the abuser's mind – being unable to manipulate them
literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to
find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your
thoughts... Nightmarish!
In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser
resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms.
Here is a partial list:
Unpredictability and Uncertainty
The abuser acts unpredictably, capriciously, inconsistently and
irrationally. This serves to render others dependent upon the next twist
and turn of the abuser, his next inexplicable whim, upon his next
outburst, denial, or smile.
The abuser makes sure that HE is the only reliable element in the lives
of his nearest and dearest – by shattering the rest of their world
through his seemingly insane behavior. He perpetuates his stable
presence in their lives – by destabilizing their own.
TIP
Refuse to accept such behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and
rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries,
predilections, preferences, and priorities.
Disproportional Reactions
One of the favorite tools of manipulation in the abuser's arsenal is the
disproportionality of his reactions. He reacts with supreme rage to the
slightest slight. Or, he would punish severely for what he perceives to
be an offence against him, no matter how minor. Or, he would throw a
temper tantrum over any discord or disagreement, however gently and
considerately expressed. Or, he would act inordinately attentive,
charming and tempting (even over-sexed, if need be).
This ever-shifting code of conduct and the unusually harsh and
arbitrarily applied penalties are premeditated. The victims are kept in
the dark. Neediness and dependence on the source of "justice" meted and
judgment passed – on the abuser – are thus guaranteed.
TIP
Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and
capricious behavior.
If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him
taste some of his own medicine.
Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)
People have a need to believe in the empathic skills and basic
good-heartedness of others. By dehumanizing and objectifying people –
the abuser attacks the very foundations of human interaction. This is
the "alien" aspect of abusers – they may be excellent imitations of
fully formed adults but they are emotionally absent and immature.
Abuse is so horrid, so repulsive, so phantasmagoric – that people recoil
in terror. It is then, with their defenses absolutely down, that they
are the most susceptible and vulnerable to the abuser's control.
Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuse are all forms of
dehumanization and objectification.
TIP
Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with
bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.
If things get rough – disengage, involve law enforcement officers,
friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.
Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the
first transgression.
Abuse of Information
From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser
is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his
potential victim – the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm,
extort or convert it "to the cause". The abuser does not hesitate to
misuse the information he gleaned, regardless of its intimate nature or
the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in
his armory.
TIP
Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting.
Gather intelligence.
Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences,
priorities, and red lines.
Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and
resolute.
Impossible Situations
The abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable,
unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely
needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his
connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most
useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates
his own indispensability.
TIP
Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no
matter how innocuous.
Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and
apprised of your situation.
Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better
safe than sorry.
Control by Proxy
If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates,
family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbors, the media,
teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding. He uses them to
cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince,
harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls
these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate
prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props
unceremoniously when the job is done.
Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which
abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios
of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation,
opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or
a social group become the instruments of the abuser.
TIP
Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform
them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain
used by the abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it
into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.
Ambient Abuse
The fostering, propagation and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear,
intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no
acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of
control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a
premonition, a bad omen. This is sometimes called "gaslighting".
In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of
self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the
victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or
herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus
reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser –
the suffering soul.
TIP
Run! Get away! Ambient abuse often develops to overt and violent abuse.
You don't owe anyone an explanation - but you owe yourself a life. Bail
out.
Open Site Encyclopedia - Family Violence
Violence in the family often follows other forms of more subtle and
long-term abuse: verbal, emotional, psychological sexual, or financial.
It is closely correlated with alcoholism, drug consumption,
intimate-partner homicide, teen pregnancy, infant and child mortality,
spontaneous abortion, reckless behaviors, suicide, and the onset of
mental health disorders.
Most abusers and batterers are males – but a significant minority are
women. This being a "Women's Issue", the problem was swept under the
carpet for generations and only recently has it come to public
awareness. Yet, even today, society – for instance, through the court
and the mental health systems – largely ignores domestic violence and
abuse in the family. This induces feelings of shame and guilt in the
victims and "legitimizes" the role of the abuser.
Violence in the family is mostly spousal – one spouse beating, raping,
or otherwise physically harming and torturing the other. But children
are also and often victims – either directly, or indirectly. Other
vulnerable familial groups include the elderly and the disabled.
Abuse and violence cross geographical and cultural boundaries and social
and economic strata. It is common among the rich and the poor, the
well-educated and the less so, the young and the middle-aged, city
dwellers and rural folk. It is a universal phenomenon.
Article Source:
www.articledashboard.com
Sam
Vaknin (
samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant
Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost
the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe
Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press
International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of
mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory
and Suite101. Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the
Government of Macedonia. Visit Sam's Web site at
samvak.tripod.com
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